Facing Courage like a Goat

I wish I was a goat 

text from 'the moment before the moment your heart stops'

 

We’ve just climbed above the treeline.
There are mountains all around, an expansive vista.

I am confounded by the amount of unknowns held within this landscape.

I see your face staring back at me. I see you seeing me.

I just want to curl into a ball and melt into the snow… (with you).

This is going to take awhile,
I am stuck on whimper ridge.

****

I see your face staring back at me.
I see my reflection in the wet glass of your cornea.

They say falling in love takes 4 minuets of stillness.

I go to take another step and my foot starts to slide backwards.

I can’t breathe or I am breathing to quickly.
I know this fear is not rational; there is no chance I’d actually fall the whole way down the mountain.
Starting over isn’t an option.

****

18, 921, 600 minutes have passed, as I stand on the edge.
I have only felt that glorious 4 minuets once.
I wonder if I will ever get off this mountain.

I see you see me,
I stare back at you.
My eyes are full of the sun as I stand exposed above the treeline. My foot slips, my heart stops.

****

I am stuck here on whimper ridge.
I feel the porousness of my capillaries, the blood slips through picking up the oxygen as the heart prepares for the next moment. A supportive reflex in these cliffs and valleys.

I wish I was a goat.

So that way, when I feel pinned up against a cliff, it would be in my genetic make-up not to be afraid to make that leap.

I could release my foothold and let the unknown catch me.
Slowly narrowing the gap that’s just beyond my reach.

I’ve just climbed above the tree line, there are mountains all around – an expansive vista of unknowns.

I wish I was a goat.

 

Performed at the Osprey Arts Centre (Shelburne, November 2014) and Kinetic Studio (Halifax, February 2015. )  Originally created at Smith College, Fall 2013. Photos by Lisa Bauchanan and Petra O'Toole.